So much pain *edited*

So much had happened last year and for now, it only seems the peace is temporary and a typhoon is secretly brewing. 2014 had been a year of ups and downs. Even now coming Jan 2015, it's not totally smooth, both in my work and my social circle.

For my work, it's much too sensitive to say it here. In fact, I've kinda long ago ditched blogging because I'm just tired; I'm really tired to blog it out although I used to feel better after doing that. But well I thought this blog is like almost dead and not many people reading it so heck. As you grow older, you'll be disgusted and terrified at how things can get complicated just because other people dont feel secure because of whatever that is important to them. Since I cant really change the outcome(as for my work issue) because the power lies in others' hands, I tried to stay optimistic and and stop thinking about it.

My philosophy: If there's nothing I can do to change an outcome, or I've already done everything to change an outcome, and yet I still cant, then I will just get it out of my mind.

It seems there can be more possibilities with how I'm doing in my social circle. I made some friends, some real some fake, got closer with my existing friends, as well as losing some. But I'm still glad those of my closest are still around, offering their ears for my comfort. I love them so so much. Sometimes dearie complains that I meet them wayyyy too much. I told him, "Count yourself lucky too that I have them, for I couldnt have walked so far with you, granted you are such an uncaring and insensitive man."

He shut up. Hahaha!

Actually in life, friends come and go. Usually I'm cool. Many asked me why I just cant let go, of a certain she who had for god-knows-why reason to kick me out of her life, and literally out of our usual social group. I said I cant let go because we had been the closest friends for more than a decade. She tried so hard; to pull people to stand on her side to dislike me altogether. When it's kinda not possible(well some are closer to me while some are just neutral), she goes to the extent of splitting up the groups into 2 even when our dear mutual friend had a birthday! It merely means, "I simply cant stand the sight of you, no matter it's celebrating people's birthday or not."

To this extent, I was really appalled. Did I seduce her husband? Did I kill her family? We're the kind who hanged out at least once every 2 weeks, hanged out alone as well as go tours together. I introduced her to almost everyone of my friends, pulled her to join my circles.

Obviously my neutral friend who was having the birthday was kinda stucked in the middle too, and he said the other group had booked him this weekend and he'll celebrate with us next weekend. Which is like, ???!!! By then his birthday already over. I'm quite restless when things happen to me, it makes me super sian BUT I get extremely frustrated when things get too far and create problems for OTHER PEOPLE. In this case, it's my friend's birthday party. And I told the group that please go and enjoy all of you without me, I will meet the birthday boy alone for dinner next week to make it up to him.

Just couldnt stand the whole hoohaa is because of me and spoiling our dear mutual friend's birthday party.

However, my friend and the whole group decided to "wait for me" to celebrate his birthday together because some of them also got disgusted at how this whole saga and refused to join the other group. Which I think she dont mind, she only hates me, not my friends. In fact, she tried very hard to pull my friends over to her side. Arggghhh machiam primary school like that. Common we're all grown-ups. Her close friends stay in her group, my close friends stay in mine, and some neutral ones stays in both. It's fine isnt it? Why need to complicate more? Does she really need to gather ALL into HER group and make everyoneeee ostracize me like she did?

Seriously.

In any case, we celebrated our dear mutual friend's birthday the same weekend, albeit different days.

You know how ironic it is. I've never stopped my friends from joining the other group despite her aggressive recruitment exercise. I'm more of someone who knows she wasnt welcomed and decided to stay away(Thank god I still have other friends lah). Because if I'm around, she wont be around.

And you know what....she gathered one or two very loyal followers(friends whom I'm not close with)...and they actually kicked a mutual, NEUTRAL guy friend out of their chat group, just because they thought(from what I heard) he's closer to me and are afraid that anything negative they talked about me, that mutual, neutral guy friend will come and tell me. Maybe they thought he's my spy or something.

My first thought is, want to talk bad about people then dont scared people know lo.....but anyway, they really think too much. They really think we very free go out always talk about these politics, as if the underlying storm is already not sickening enough. My guy friend simply bo chup one. I also dont talk about them to him nor ask him to "side with me" or things like that. He never ask, I also never say. Say for WHAT? Zzzz. Like I said, he's neutral and I'll like to leave it as that. But apparently, they dont like. And they hate anyone, just anyone who seeemmms to be slightly closer to me or hit it well with me.

My guy friend so poor thing. Nobody likes to be kicked out of a group chat, there are other neutral people inside the group too and it kinda affects the friendship of some people. I cried so much about this one night(in public, wah lau paiseh till want to die) because I felt SO SORRY towards my friend. And there my friends tried to console me again, by saying "Aiya nevermind small thing lahhhh...if me also will kick him out de laaaa, he always never talk hahaha"

But we know it's not a small thing!

And guess what, I totally dont know what I did to incur her hatred.

I always naively thought, well time will tell, truth will surface. I keep thinking maybe we had a misunderstanding and it will cleared up in time. I'm not one who bear grudges and I assumed everyone dont.

But apparently not! The grudge grew even stronger with the both of us absolutely not seeing each other(but still brewing beneath). HOW CAN THAT BE? Because I talked nothing of her, except the part where I really missed her friendship(in the beginning). Through time, nobody mentions her infront of me, because I will feel pain. They can see. So many people asked me to let it go. I got better with time...but...

I JUST couldnt understand it. Although I dont know what I've done to piss her...ok lah I know sometimes I'm too direct and blunt and offended her. I chastised her on **Edited...deleted...sigh....I think I better dont say.......** Said that in a group chat, pissed her off big time. So I ordered a bouquet of flowers to her house as apology. Sigh....I thought she was appeased and I thought all was well. But ever since then, she gets edgy and over-sensitive at whatever I said. At times, I dont even dare to talk anymore because she gets pissed with whatever I said. But we've been like that for the past 10 years......I mean, she should know me well and I should have know her well, we've been communicating in this style for the past 10years and everything was good! Why problems only surface now?

Until a close mutual friend came after 6-8months and told me the REAL reason for her hatred for me.

**Deleted....dont wish to say much.........**

In any case....

I'm tired.............really tired. 心很累。

While I dont bear wishful thinking that we can be back to be like old times, but really...can the whole saga stops....I'm old already....I'm really not up to all this mind games and 勾心斗角。 I just hope everyone can be happy, I can be happy.

I dont get it why people can only be happy only when hurting me again and again...Does it really make them happy? I really dont know how long I can endure all this pain...Everytime she does something against me, even up till now, surprisingly I dont even hatred for her at all, I just feel pain. So much pain....so much so much pain.