Saturday, January 26, 2013

Love her in the way she prefers, not yours.

I have been listening to FM class 95 for like most of the past 6 years. Not because I think it's awesome with it's standard playlist but simply because my husband likes to play it's station when we're in his car. 

1 particular quote recording has been annoying me time to time whenever it's repeated in between breaks. It goes something like...

"Just because someone didnt love you in the way you want, doesnt mean he doesnt love you with all he have(or his heart etc)."

It's been repeated again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again. AS IF it's a golden phrase or 至理名言 like that.

Finally for the 5th time I heard it, irritably, I simply said aloud;

 "Why should I be loved in the way other people prefer INSTEAD of the way I prefer? You love someone, you love him or her in the way HE/SHE prefers. Not yours."
I had more than 1 relationship and I'm one who appreciates everyone who had loved me in his own way. I prefer to blame it on fate and whatsoever which tore us apart.  But still.....from the few relationships that I had, other than realizing your flaws must match his fortes(vice versa, for e.g, if you're very bad-tempered, then he must be super good-tempered etc), I also realized that he or she must love you in the way YOU prefer. 

I once had a relationship that didnt work out. I was like only 18 then. I had a much older BFF Stacey at 26 years old. Very sad, lost contact with her. =( She encouraged me on that very rocky relationship and commented on how sweet my then bf was. And I dubiously commented, "Huh he's sweet?? He was sooooo weird! He didnt want to share any food with me and only prefer to eat my leftovers!"

"That's how he's showing his love for you, my dear." Stacey told me. 

"Huh??!! Seriously??!!?" I was so perplexed. 

Eventually the relationship didnt work out as I was convinced that he didnt love me that much by the things he did and the things he didnt do. And I supposed I did the same, which led to his lack of enthusiasm in the relationship. It's so puzzling to me when he kept emphasizing that I dont love him when I did indeed loved him very much then. Vice versa, he kept emphasized he loved me but I dont believe him at all. Now I realized, we simply did not love each other in the way we individually preferred.

Love her in the way she prefers. 

Love him in the way he prefers.

Not your way. 

It's no use loving her in the way you prefer and the way you acknowledged when she dont understands or acknowledge it at all. 

Perhaps this verse might have been familiar. By a concerned friend maybe, or another guy who truly cares for you; 

"He dont love you for god's sake!! All those sweet-nothings, all those flowers, all those branded bags. Is he ever around when you need him?? He's not!! I'm the one who loves you!!" But let me share another story.

I have a close girlfriend who is always very candid to me and I really like that. She said that she told her then-boyfriend-now-hubby that she wanted at least a 1 carat diamond proposal ring or she will not say yes. Her then-boyfriend, who can well afford the ring, lamented in a jokking tone, "You very materialistic leh." Then she explained to him, as well as to me, that, if a man is willing to splurge his hard-earned money on you, willing to part with that sum of money just to make you happy, then that must be love. For if he loves himself more, he will prefer to spend that money on himself instead of on you."

I nodded my head in agreement. It does make some sense. And so I do agree to a certain extent.

And I'm glad the boyfriend didnt fly into a rage judging my friend for being superficial or love him for his money etc etc. He always buy her expensive birthday presents and buys her things she want. Eventually he planned a super romantic proposal and proposed with a 1.28carat of gigantic rock. Lol. The pair are so loving and are as happy as lovebirds. =)

He choose to love her in the way she prefers. That I think, is really true love. 

Often we heard couples quarrel, especially when the female is over-bearing with her possessiveness. 

"I dont mean to restrict your freedom! But your weekends should always be spent with me, lest you meet someone new and stray......... I did that because I love you!!!"

To her, love means spending time together on every weekend and not to be spent with friends.
To him, it's just a selfish possession of another human being. And DISTRUST is dampening. 
To him, love is giving him freedom and let him bond with his buddies.

This kind of relationships, wont last.

Of course this is just 1 example. Different people have difference preferences. Of course I will be happy when my hubby drenched me with expensive gifts, bought with his hard-earned money. But in comparison, I will rather he dont work so hard to buy those expensive bags, spends more time with me, brings me to nice dinners and movies. That will make me happier. But again, life is a harsh reality. How can he have the time and money to always bring me to nice dinners and movies UNLESS he works hard? Life needs to have a balance somewhere. Which means I also have to accept how he needs to spend some of his weekends working. Just so because we can have a great and romantic weekend-after, or awesome holidays months after. 

Sometimes when we go shopping, I can take an interest in some un-branded bags or simply a Rilakkuma passport holder(instead of the LV one he bought me; which I returned to exchange for other stuff...=P), of which hubby will jokkingly comment, "Aiya you like this type huh, tell me mah. Can help me save so much money. Haha." Of which I replied with a smile. "The things I want generally costs little to nothing. But sometimes you just dont bother to remember doing it or to go about doing it." With which, his expression turned somber and decidedly tender.

I like him to kiss me on my cheek before he goes to work and when he returns home to me.
I like him to buy me my favorite custard buns or any of my favorite food as a surprise.
I like him to call me to see if I need any food whenever he's coming home to me.
I like him to understand me well, to know my likes and dislikes.
I like him to give me flowers.
I like him to make me laugh.
I like him to be astute enough to discover my change in mood/emotions and cheer me up.(This is super difficult for him, I know. Zzzz)
I like him to plan activities for some weekends so that I dont have to crack my brains every single weekend on where to go and what to eat.
I like him to show concern to my mummy.
I like him to spend time to play with Vickki or bring her for a walk.
I like him to accompany me go marketing at NTUC.
I like him to hold my hands or just an impromptu kiss or hug when we're on the escalator.
I like him to fetch me whenever he can.
I like him to do some necessary housework without being prompted; especially throwing the garbage.
I like him to give me the freedom to meet my dearest friends.
Last but not least, I like him to trust me even when I'm out late.

All these are my preferred ways of loving me. =)

Some people finds it so easy but some people finds it so difficult. How odd. 

Haha. Sekali the way he prefers me to love to...NOT DO ALL THIS. *Faints* LOL!

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