Saturday, August 3, 2013

If life can be simpler.

Previously, we had a mini team bonding within our roadshow team(many different teams within our agency) because for some of us, it was our 1st time collaborating in the same roadshow. We were given stickers to write positive stuff about one another. The stickers were then sticked onto our backs. It's interesting as you dont know who wrote what about you. 

I got the following: 

3 x Friendly, 3 x Pretty, 2 x Sincere, 2 x Helpful
Leadership, Resourceful, Independent, Cool, Bubbly, Caring, Super, Nice, True to Self, Disciplined, Quiet

Firstly, thanks so much for ALL the sweet compliments. =) You all are just too kind. 

I would say I'm rather surprised by some of the positive blue chips, especially by the word "Sincere". Not because I disagree with it, but I was so amazed that some of these colleagues whom I actually dont hang out much with after working hours, can somehow....feel me, feel my sincerity. I always keep a low profile in office as much as I can, away from the deadly politics. I usually dont talk much in the office either, unless well, with a few who are closer with me. In fact, most of us were usually busy with our own stuff in the office and because the office is so open, conversations were being kept "simple", you know. This probably gave untrue impressions, "Disciplined" and "Quiet" to 2 of my colleagues who obviously dont know me well. Haha. Hardly. =P 

If I said I'm surprised by the word "Sincere", the 3 words "True to self" almost froze me in midway. It was so so true. I have a set of principles and beliefs which I firmly adhere to. In short, I cant really do something which is not in line with my principles or with my feelings. 

Until now, I also dont know who wrote me that 3 words, "True to self"(I didnt really go ask though). I really cant think of anyone who actually know me that well....*puzzling*. 

I think, I have really very, very astute colleagues. Heh....of course, we have among the top sales elites in my agencies....and astute sales people make the best sales. =)

Thinking back of the misunderstanding I had with a friend whom I share a more-than-a-decade of friendship, it's kinda....sad. She suddenly drifted away from me; I can sense it. I knew she's upset with something but I dont know what is it. She acted natural to me among our group of common friends but I know her so well, that I know she's just not herself. I waited and waited for her to come talk it out with me, to show that she really treasure this friendship, to explain things if necessary. But she didnt. It was hard for me to open the issue as she's still talking to me, as per normal. Finally 1 day, I couldnt bear it. I couldnt bear her acting "normal" with me when she's clearly upset with me. And I couldnt bear acting everything is all rosy and well when my heart was tearing inside. 

The feeling is if....the moment you know your man has stopped loving you, but he is still there, however, just an empty soul and body.

I finally begged her(in sms) to say out, "What's wrong?? What did I do to upset you??"
She kept quiet for a long time before saying an evasive, vauge, statement, which totally confused me. And I said, "At least could you tell me what did I do to upset you or give me a chance to explain before just giving me the death verdict and shutting me out?"

And finally she said it out. The messages got longer and longer, and I can feel she got angrier and angrier as she related the incident.

I couldnt understand why she would have thought some of the things I said bear unkind meanings or intentions. I just couldnt fathom, and couldnt believe she can think such a thing of me when we were close friends of more than 10 years. 

"Hypocrite", a word that is so foreign to me.


The moment that word came into my eyes(in a message), uncontrollably, I had a ironic, bitter laugh.

I said, "If I'm a hypocrite, I would have said those things behind your back and not infront of you, and thus made you angry with me."

In fact, out of frustration, I even said I WISHED I'm more hypocritical at times, so that I will be more likable to people, or have more friends etc. I told dearie before I'm amazed with people who can act so close with someone when they absolutely loathe that person. It's simply too difficult a task for me. I've tried before, to be honest, for certain reasons, and I have failed badly. It's just too unnatural. Lol. I have soOooOo many flaws, blunt, too straight-forward/direct, impatient, fussy, insensitive at times maybe bla bla bla. You can call me anything you want, EXCEPT, "Hypocrite".

I'm simply true to myself and to anyone. Ok fine, to MOST PEOPLE. 

She is my dearest friend, I am so true to her and I was shocked she can say this of me. I admit that I might be a tad insensitive to her feelings(which was totally unintentional) and totally carried a joke too far by saying some "stuff" infront of her and a group of common friends. I felt so wronged and alittle imbalanced because while I'm the 1st to start it, other friends chipped in the same "stuff" as well BUT she's only upset at me. :~( And truth be told, sometimes these "stuff" were said behind her by some friends too, in a negative way. But I didnt say it behind her, I said it infront because I swear I really didnt mean anything negative. It's purely joking......But the thing is, she's angry with me for saying infront of her instead of angry with some people who said things behind her. Which totally confused me. And for saying infront of her and incurring her wrath, I'm a hypocrite?

Sigh..........I didnt expect it can stir so much irritation and hatred in her because I myself hear these same "stuff" so many times by this same group of friends too. But I know they're just kidding me and dont mean anything bad. In fact, I always laugh at myself together with them too. For me...I rather people say it infront of me instead of behind me.

So....yeah...was kinda disappointed that she didnt trust me or understand me enough to NOT think the worst of me...

It's bizarre that a colleague can know me better. Sigh......

Well, anyway, I've did all I can. Yup, that includes apologizing a hundred times at least and also doing some other stuff(kinda embarrassing to mention here) to prove to her I'm really sorry and I really treasure her as a friend, and of course, I will never mention "some stuff" which she dont like, ever again, in front OR behind her. Although she did say she's not angry with me anymore....I simply feel everything is not the same anymore. Sigh............ sometimes I almost couldnt believe 1 statement can spoil a decade of friendship. But they say nothing is impossible in this world. Anyway, I know I have only myself to blame; I should have been more sensitive to her feelings, more intuitive since I actually know her the longest in the group. Sigh...........

Anyway......always ending with a quote or "morale of the story"....because I feel one should always learn from their own mistakes........and if you're a smartie ass, then learn from MY mistakes, which are....

Never ASSUME anyone understands you well enough or trust you enough, because you're the one who understands yourself best. 

Never ASSUME other people can accept the things which you can accept 

Never ASSUME people who do "something to you" means they can accept people doing the "same thing" to them. 

Never take old-friendships for granted; For e.g, "Nahz....we're such close friends, it's okay for her to wait 10minutes for me." OR "Nahz....we're such close friends, she wont believe what that asshole said of me." 
OR "Nahz....we're such close friends, she will know I'm only joking!"

NO, she wont always know, OKIE.

The thing is, sometimes you might be unknowingly doing something which your friend dont like. Different people react differently. For me, I will mention it out, in a "complaining" kind of way. Like, " dont always late for more than an hour leh....half an hour okie lah but an hour, I will be very sian one leh." But for some people, they will just keep quiet and wont mention anything. Truth is, such things will snowball(since you're repeatedly and unknowingly doing the things they dont like).....and one day, they will just explode.

So ending with this;


Life can be so much simpler.

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